What's love got to do with it?

I've been taking a stance for a few years now that "Falling in Love" has nothing to do with what healthy whole individuals do in stable loving partnerships. I've taken a rather cynical yet hopeful approach, thinking that falling in love is about finding a person we can project our infant self's caregivers onto, and then try to get our unmet childhood needs met through this person. Reading books like http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Love-You-Want-Couples/dp/0805068953 and http://www.amazon.com/Undefended-Love-Jett-Psaris/dp/1572242086/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1325787529&sr=1-1 have taught me a lot about how "falling in love" works and unmet needs, or what Marshall Rosenberg calls frozen needs (http://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Marshall-Rosenberg/dp/1892005034/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1325787598&sr=1-1).

Having a commitment to tell myself the truth and to uncovering any limiting beliefs in my subconscious, I've plumbed the depths of my soul, finding my triggers and getting attention to heal, while learning self empathy along the way. I've spent years in abusive and high drama relationships, trying to get my needs met, years in community trying to get my needs met, going towards all my impulses, even when they looked destructive, because I knew the fastest way through was towards the impulse. My body/mind/soul does know best, even when its painful.

This month I have started falling in love, and I have been pissed and scared, I thought I would never fall in love again, that I could some how get all my unmet needs met, finally growing up to be an adult...I thought maybe after months in Hawaii, doing intense work on myself all the time, that I had arrived. Nope, in love, with all the same patterns playing out. Shoot, right?

Here is the deal though, I'm asking for what I need. I'm telling him when I feel angry, sad, scared. I'm talking about what is going on, giving myself empathy when I'm so triggered I can hardly see straight. And I get that he is a strategy to get my needs met, not the only one out there than can meet them. He may never be able to give me what I want in partnership, but he is giving me this great opportunity to heal and do the work that I've never been able to do before because I didn't have the skills to do so. And my goal is still to fall out of love with him.