Opening my Heart

This past weekend I got triggered by my new love.  It was an old pattern, it was painful. I acted out in an old way that embarrassed me, calling him three times until we actually talked.  I spent the better part of the afternoon shut away in a room in the home I was visiting, feeling triggered, meditating, holding myself, and trying to get a hold of him.  We finally talked, it didn't do anything to change my heartache, to reassure me, the scared little girl inside who was afraid that I was too much, not lovable.  I called a dear friend who listened to me let off my charge, who has been through hell and back with me, and knows me better than I know myself at times.  I held my self, and my new man in compassion while talking to her about the pain in my chest.  I finally got centered enough to be present with my friend and was able to enjoy the rest of my visit with friends in PA.  The next morning I awoke early thinking about that pain in my chest, and understood on a gut level that though I love this man, he isn't someone who is a good partner or match for me, not because of the triggers. It just isn't a good time for us to try a love relationship.

I was hurt, and thought about lashing out by just not seeing him again.  We had an agreed upon date the following night, Monday.  I felt a bit of dread about it, thinking of it as the breaking up date. I decided to go through with seeing him, but felt at a loss about what the time would look like.  I felt scared and would have rather just gone home than think of being rejected, or rejecting, or whatever other awful thing that could happen.  I mostly tried to put it out of my mind.

Monday afternoon, I'm sitting in a coffee shop a few miles from the metro where I'll be picking him up in an hour, watching snow fall and drinking green tea. I pick up one of the books I brought with me, Finding God Through Sex by David Deida.  I start reading some piece about opening your heart through your resistance, how we guard our hearts, and the process of unguarding the heart looks like all kinds of emotions and behaviors coming up...from unmitigated hate, to laughter to baby talk.  I understood something right there and then, my panic in my chest was my heart wanting to open up.  All the years I thought this man or that man had taken advantage of my open heart, all the years of closing it down to men, the fear, rage, tears, my little girl begging to get my needs met, had come out, these were all in service to my opening.  Granted, I didn't set very good boundaries with some of these men, but the times I was wide open to them showed me the way to a wide open heart with everyone.

And voilà! I had found my way to have the "break up talk," to open to the love I feel for this man.  To open my heart wide and express what ever shadows were guarding my heart.  That night we told each other we love one another for the first time in our relationship, and we decided to not continue a sexual connection.  The intimacy and love is stronger than before, the mutual sharing is powerful and transformational.  Our intuitions are telling us no or not now, and we are committed to enriching each other's lives.  Was there pain last night?  Anger, sadness, tears?  Yes, and I understood they were inside of me, not from him.  In that space he was able to love and hold me while I went through my process, and at times I was able to hold and love him through his.

Who says relationship success is measured by the length of time one is in it?  This may have been the most successful relationship I've had to date and it lasted a grand total of a month. I got what I wanted, I fell out of love with him, and into a space of openness and Love for all, I lost my attachment to having my openness depend on one person.